Did you know that the Kool-Aid man plays baseball?

An engineer dies and goes to hell. The devil tells him that due to his sins, he will be cast into the deepest hell for eternity. The problems begin immediately upon his arrival. He constantly finds problems with the construction of Hell's many pits and works his way up to the accounting department by torturing as many souls as possible (mainly because the levels of hell they inhabited were not up to code) then immediately begins to assess the pits and structures in hell, finds that they are not at the code and fines the devil for every violation. Considering there are seven levels with billions upon billions of structures including the city of dis, the devil quickly begins to lose money and the bank is poised to foreclose on hell and throw him out. The devil slowly begins to realize that he's not the one in control and the one he sent to hell is actually making his life a living hell so he secretly meets with God and tells him that he will hand the man over because he's bleeding cash. they agree to do it the next day and to the devil's surprise, the man can hardly wait to be free of hell because there are so many code violations that he's run out of souls to murder, having cleared all seven levels of both demons and prisoners. He gladly enters heaven only for God to come to Satan the next day begging to take him back. Satan says " I fail to see what the problem is, after all he has a reputation for perfection" God looks at him with anger in his eyes and tells him: "that's precisely the problem, he convinced me, ME! That I wasn't perfect and worse, used the Bible to get his point across. He's the new God and now nobody can get into heaven because apparently they're not up to code and the code has to be perfect. I need a f****** drink" "I'm afraid that's not going to work, his twin is working as a bartender and perfection is a requirement to drink there" God: *grabs a minigun* "Nothing's going to keep me from my f****** vodka"

https://imgur.com/gallery/jSmuvL8

Speedstick.

Hog’n dawgs.

My freshman daughter is making a time capsule as a project that will be opened at the end of her senior year. Today she is driving to school with her learners permit while I read the best of this forum to us. Give your best Dad Jokes that I can leave in the capsule.

Because they have little patients for tiny margins. (I really despise myself right now)

In the depths of dis-pear!

you would too if you had crabs on your bottom

They argue about the meaning of life. The priest says, “To serve God.” The rabbi says, “To ask questions.” The soccer player says, “To fake a leg injury and make millions.” They all agree that hell is VAR replay.

…. remember, the vacuum cleaner has been gathering dirt on you for years!